So, right now I live in Vancouver Canada. I’ve lived here since 2000 and never really started much of a life here. I’ve always had trouble meeting normal people. I mean I meet promoters, DJ, musicians, singers, and artists but I hardly ever connect with regular people. The types of people I associate with aren’t bad, I like them, I love their creativity. But, I also think in order to have a stable sane view of the world it’s important to foster friendships with regular average normal people. I have no normal friends. And artists and musicians don’t fit with “consensus reality,” a term I learned from my psychiatrist. My consensus reality is not the same as everyone else. I have a unique view of the world and I apparently am not normal. Maybe if I knew some normal people I’d be more normal. Then again what is normal? The only thing I could think of that normal would entail is not being bat shit crazy.
I’m bat shit crazy about 2% of the time. I don’t like it. I’d rather be stable like I was between 2008 and the end of 2011. I’m not dangerous to anyone when I go crazy. I get angry at everything, I get paranoid, I start looking at all the things wrong with my life and add delusions to fix it. My delusions rarely last more than a couple of days. Mental illness is a bitch. The stigma of mental illness is worse.
I don’t know why I’m open about being a crazy person… I admit that before I was diagnosed I had negative opinions of people that were mentally ill. I didn’t want to deal with the drama associated with insanity. That was before I knew that on medication most crazy people are ok, a bit quirky, but generally ok. If you have an illness and you’re reading this I highly recommend finding a “pdoc” you can talk to that is willing to find the *right* medication for you. Lithium didn’t help me, it made me worse. and I was allergic to the common treatments for my illness. Well I’m not allergic I was on that shit for a year and a half and it didn’t do very much for me. I was still crazy, otherwise I’d have started my education. Now I’m on something that has potential extra pyramidal side effects.
Scary term isn’t it. It means I could develop snake like motions in my tongue, and a permanent facial twitch that would in essence end my social and romantic life. So if it happens I’m taking a massive overdose of heroin. I don’t do heroin, I’ve smoked it once and hated it. I’ve tried most drugs, it’s the cause of my illness. Heroin is for suicide. Medication might drive me to suicide. So far I’ve had almost no side effects, the ones I have I can deal with. They’re not bothersome, but I’ve been on this ed for 4 years and in the last year it hasn’t been effective. So I asked for a new medication. I apparently have to be stable for 6 months to switch. The meds aren’t working right otherwise I wouldn’t have been hospitalized three times this year. I’ve never been in more than twice in a year and that was when I didn’t take medication. SO maybe my injection made me sicker. Great. Hurrah. Why doesn’t someone make a medication for my illness that doesn’t have seriously terrifying side effects? Sudden Death has happened to 5 people on my medication and it isn’t available in the USA. It’s banned there. That threw me for a loop. At least its used extensively in the UK. I wish I could have been switched to a different medication in February (I went crazy for my birthday Feb 6th and had to drop out of school) but they just gave me a higher dose of the med I’m on. I was on 1/3 the adult dose, and now I’m on 1/2 the adult dose. Not that much is it. You’d expect someone that refers to themselves as bat shit crazy to be on a high dose of serious drugs, I used to be. I had a psychiatrist that put me on twice the maximum dose of a medication that didn’t work on me. I was drooling on myself, shit my pants a few times, and was miserable. That woman thought I was a “Sociopathic, Bi-Polar, Schizophrenic, Narcissist.” I’m not. I’m Bi-Polar affective which just means I have delusions during periods of mania. That “doctor” hated me, she really did. She even said how much she didn’t like me once when the nurse was out of the room. The pdoc I’m seeing right now isn’t so bad, I like her enough that in a different life I’d hang out with her socially. My current nurse is good too.
I’m moving to Toronto in 2 weeks. I’m leaving Vancouver with its beautiful weather and nothing to do but drink in parks or go to top 40’s bars. I’ll be there September 3rd. I’m looking forward to seeing people I’ve known for 20 years. I’ll have 3 months of medication, and I religiously take it, even when I’m worried about what else it does to me. I’m not an idiot, I know that medication is the best chance I have to pursue my short term goal of getting an Associate’s Degree in English/Creative Writing and a Bachelor’s in Business Administration. I plan on going to a University Transfer school in Toronto, I already know which one, and then getting a Bachelor’s in English at the University of Toronto or Ottawa University. I have plans. Let’s hope nothing stands in the way of those plans.