Boredom has overtaken me. The worst part of it is I don’t actually want to do anything. I should be writing my web series, I’m just about to start episode 5, and 4 was a cliffhanger. It’s just that I haven’t felt like writing.
You’d think that because I smoke pot (I’m not exactly a pot head, that’s a style unto itself) that I’d be smoking copious amounts of it before I wrote anything down. You’d be wrong. I prefer writing stories when I’m sober, something about a clear head helps the writing process. People who write stoned don’t bother me, I just think the quality improves when I’m not baked out of my mind. I don’t hold to that rule steadfast, I have written a bit stoned, but my output is greatly reduced and I make a lot more errors that I don’t like playing fix up with. I smoke pot when I come up with stories, I find my creativity flows better, but when I’m writing it down I like to be clear headed.
I don’t write or even think when I drink, they say smoking pot makes you stupid. I’m pretty smart when I smoke pot, and talk like a philosopher about science. The possibilities that nth d physics bring to the universe gets me excited, more excited than most of the women I meet. I’m not gay, I’m not asexual. I watch too much porn… Any porn is too much according to my younger self. I didn’t start watching porn until I was 25. Before then I had enough sex that porn was redundant. But after 25 I stopped dating. I got sick of people, and all the things I had to do to get a date. I’d rather just be me, if I’m not in love, or having sex then oh well. If I drank more I’d probably not have been single for 10 years and sexless for 4. One night stands are awful. I’d rather have some sort of connection to the person I’m sleeping with. I did some one night stands, they were about as satisfying as blowing my nose.
It’s nice to not be in love. I don’t have to think about anyone else’s feelings, I don’t have to buy flowers, and I don’t have to be anywhere I don’t want to go. Without love I’m free. I’ve been in love before, deeply. I got my heart broken. I don’t resent the woman, I actually miss knowing her, although now I’d only be her friend. I’d love to go for a monthly coffee with her and catch up and talk about all the people we used to know. I’m curious to see which ones were important to her and which ones weren’t. All of my friends and acquaintances have been important to me. Even though I don’t like many people, the ones I do, I like a lot.
I don’t really associate with many people these days. I live in Vancouver where it seems that everyone has a drug problem, and I’m not talking about pot. If I have one more “friend” ask me for $100 the day after they went on a coke binge I’m going to commit murder. I don’t want to support a powder habit… I still have some friends that aren’t on drugs, and I don’t consider pot a drug. In 10 years its going to be legal in a bunch of places. If Washington legalizes marijuana I plan on moving there for school. Something about buying my pot in a store appeals to me. I think its the standard quality and pre-packaged freshness.
Coffee is my drug of choice. I drink 4 or more pots of it a day. I’ve actually drank so much coffee that I was hallucinating. That’s close to death from caffeine. My coffee habit started at Ottawa’s now closed but legendary Cafe Wim. I used to sit there for 6 or more hours a day. I loved it, I’d talk to about 50 people and my table would grow and shrink. Now I don’t talk to people, and I have social anxiety. What happened?