Tragic.

Posted by vortexian on

Softly spoken tragic lives

Magic is just a game we play

To add spice to our everydays

A consequence of boredoms mist

We crave, we crave, we crave bliss

Please do what you have to

Take me away from this

Softly spoken tragic lives

Every single day a part of us dies

Hoping beyond hope

That it isn’t the part they love

We don’t want to be left alone

It goes so far we pray

Hoping beyond hope

That someone is listening

To the prayers we dare

Some think they can talk to God

That the creator of everything

Has time to hear about your daughters wish list

That is if he exists.

Freeway.

Posted by vortexian on

The sky was the pallid white of an overcast day with the sun fighting unsuccessfully to break through the clouds. Shining unseen casting an unearthly glow on everything. Molly sat on the median of the freeway watching the cars speed by. Every once in a while one of the speeding plastic and metal frames would honk it’s horn, and the sound would move like a musical note through her head.

She had come to the Martin Freeway at 5am, when there were hardly any cars out. Now it was 10:45am. She chose to sit in the middle of the freeway everyday she had nothing to do, which was a lot. Molly was a shy 17 year old dressed in a black shredded shirt over a satin corset, with a school girls skirt over tights with so many runs in them you’d think it was a marathon. Molly had her headphones in and was listening to Combichrist at maximum volume.

“Don’t tell me how to talk or how to live my life!

Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!

Every time I’m right a little part of you dies!

Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!”

Molly was banging her head like a head banger mouthing the words.

“Should I ever be punished for crossing the line?

Fuck that shit! Fuck that shit!”

Molly out of the corner of her eye saw a Gothic woman on the side of the road yelling something, the words were being drowned out by the song playing on her iPod. When the woman saw that Molly was looking she started waving her arms frantically to get her attention. Molly slowly took off her head phones and tried to give a defiant rebel look. She was also thinking the Gothic woman looked cool, old, but cool. She was in her mid-20′s and was wearing a black dress slit up the middle along with a black wool knit sweater, and a black shawl. Her make-up was dark metallic lip-stick and cat’s eyes drawn in with eyeliner. She was ghostly pale and had flawless skin. “Hey what the fuck are you doing out there! Are you like suicidal or something!”
“Whatever! I do this all the time! What does it matter to you if I’m suicidal?” Molly shrugged.

The 20 something Goth cupped her hands around her mouth, “You’re young! And you look pretty cool! I don’t like seeing cool kids get pancaked! I work just down the street!”

“I’m not trying to kill myself! I just didn’t have anything to do today!” Molly hoped her voice wouldn’t crack when she was yelling, she was starting to think the Goth girl was cool.

“That’s a pretty stupid reason to tempt Death!”

“No it’s not! It’s a daring feat of courage!” Molly had her arms outstretched in hopeless abandon.

“How did you get out of there!”

“I wait til there’s a break in traffic and run!”

“Well I’m going to wait here til that happens so I can call the ambulance!”

“You do that! I hope it makes you feel better!”

“Look my name’s Kate OK!”

Molly looked her over again, she smirked, “Really you look like more of a Bronwyn, or Lady Caldare!”

“Now isn’t the time to be sarcastic! I think there’s break” As Kate was yelling Molly bolted across the freeway towards her.

Molly made it safely to the shoulder of the freeway and confidently strode up to Kate.

Kate grabbed Molly by the shoulders, “Are you insane!!! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen!”

“I think the Jocks at my school are stupider… I think I was being courageous.”

“Well let’s talk about it over lunch, I’ll buy.”

“Like McD’s?”

“No I know a nice little Cafe a few blocks from here, you’ll like it. And then I can talk some sense into you.” Kate started walking North towards the Grange Village. Molly heard only Hipster douches hung out in the Grange Village.

“But the douches!” Molly pointed towards the Grange.

“What? What douches?”

“The Grange, it’s full of douches…”

“No it isn’t! There are some business men, but it’s got a lot of alternative people. You know like you, well not like you, but into different things.” Kate thought she was over explaining it a bit… Of course there were some douchebags, you get them everywhere something cool is. And the Grange had a lot of cool shops. On the four block walk Kate pointed out some shops where Molly could get some clothes she’d like, as well as a few of the more alternative galleries.

Molly had never been in the Grange before, her older brothers and all her friends, what few she had, had told her it was a shitty place. She was taken by the restaurants with the smell of 4 star lunch being cooked wafting into her nostrils. When Kate brought her to the door of the Cafe, a nondescript European Cafe with a sign that read “Cafe Paradiso”.

The two took a table near a window. Kate ordered a couple of coffees and a couple of menus. And then when the coffees had come and the two had had a couple of sips, she look at Molly with a concerned look. “Sitting in the middle of a busy freeway is reckless and endangers the most precious thing you have. Your life. I can’t even begin to understand why a person like you, who looks pretty smart, would do something like that.”

Molly looked guilty for a second and then her rebelliousness kicked in, “Look what do you care what I do with my life, I thought Goth was all about death! I’m sure you do stupid things.”

“Well, yeah, but the stupid things I did when I was your age were pot and hallucinogens. I didn’t even do that much of them… But you know what, Life really matters to me. We only have a short time to enjoy things, like dark art and poetry, and music, and cheesy sci-fi epics, and zombie movies… You know we only have a little time.”

“Woah, deep. A Goth that loves life. Look Kate thanks for the coffee but you’re not my type of person.”

“Look Molly, I just don’t want to see a young life end stupidly. I have some pretty good reasons to want a long life.”

“Like what?”

“Like, I have brain cancer.”

“What? Oh, I’m sorry… How… How long do you got?”

“A few weeks now. I was told I had two or three months six weeks ago.”

“You don’t look sick.”

“I’m wearing a wig. An expensive one, but it’s still a wig. I lost my hair to the chemo weeks ago. It didn’t help before you ask.”

“Oh…” Molly took a long sip of her coffee.

“It why I care about life. I want more time.”

The two talked for another hour before Molly took her leave.

Molly never saw Kate again, and always liked to think she made a miraculous recovery, but deep inside she knew she hadn’t. Molly never sat on the median again during rush hour or any other time. She met someone she could have seen as a role model and lost her the same day. She could have gotten her cell phone number, but what was the point she was going to be dead in less than a month. At least she could appreciate life more. Kate would like that.

Blood Red Room.

Posted by vortexian on

Led blind I follow
The light burns my retina
These walls are blood red
the floor the sickly colour
Of scabs left to dry and rot
Its my fault
that I got myself caught
The other side of the road
And they wouldn’t have been so close
I could have run away
I could have disappeared
But you were there
On the other side
I wouldn’t let you take me
I struggled deftly
Then when you had given up
I gave in without a fight
Now I’m in the blood red room
I’m told I’ll be losing my head today
I won’t accept them and their way
A freak, poison did not work
So my head will come off today
In the blood red walled room
To hide the stains
The Blade is drawn
A sharp pain
and instead of nothing
opened up to me
is the easiest way
to never accept their way
reborn fully grown
with violence in my soul
I take the blade
And free myself.

A Quick Update.

Posted by vortexian on

So I’ve been in Toronto for a month and a half and haven’t really been doing much. For the first 3 weeks I was looking for a job and an apartment, which proved fruitful for both. I have a job as a door to door fundraiser and I just got a job slinging coffee to fill in the blanks. I’m getting sick of being broke so I can’t wait until my paychecks start rolling in.

I found an apartment right near Dundas and Ossington which is really close to Queen West and my friends places, the rent is affordable, and I like the people I share the house with. It’s a rooming house.

So I haven’t smoked any pot in a month except for a small joint yesterday. I miss it… I like blazing doobs to pass the time. I miss smoking everyday, but I haven’t had a source or any money for a while. That might change today. I have a line on a source that hopefully pans out, even though I won’t be buying any for a week. I need the money I get from work tomorrow to eat for the week, but next week I’ll be able to splurge on a little bit of weed to mellow out.

I haven’t gone out much, I just went to Velvet Underground’s Thursday Night a couple of times and The Hot Box once in the first 2 weeks I was here. Since I started working I’ve been too exhausted at night to go to clubs. No life is getting to me. I plan on going out soon; maybe to Neutral for Karaoke on Tuesday… That would be fun, I like singing Nine Inch Nails at Karaoke.

Well enough of an update for now. I’m going to try to start updating more frequently but I don’t think people want to read about my day at work. It’s boring. Except when naked people answer the door with it all hanging out… That’s happened twice so far.

Wandering.

Posted by vortexian on

Last night I wandered away
I found a place I could hide away
I dreamed of how to get there
I did it all on a dare
But I knew I wouldn’t see you there
In my mind there you were
I’m hiding away, from all that I see
I’m sleeping in darkness, With my memory
I’m trading my conscience for another way
You’ll see me again one day
Last Night I made a choice
I found I could do what i chose to
I dreamed of your face with a smile
I let my mind wander for just a while
But I knew that it was all a dream
In my mind I did scream
I’m hiding away, from all that I see
I’m sleeping in darkness, With my memory
I’m trading my conscience for another way
You’ll see me again one day
Last night I spent it with my wife
I found I love her with all my life
I dreamed I could smile all day
I let myself believe I was normal again
But I knew it was all a dream
Rise to the top be the cream.

Change.

Posted by vortexian on

Darkness and light

All the things we do in spite of ourselves

To change our fortunes

To alter the flow of events

From one day to another

We say we’re resistant to change

But we crave it all the time

A new lover in our beds

A new person in our heads

We try and try to make a difference

To get the latest raise in our pay

To find another lay

We do it all for change

Nothing can ever stay the same

We say we’re resistant to change

Yet we do it all our days

I wish my life would enter a new range

I’m craving a difference

I’m craving a change

Yet still, everything remains the same.